Death

[SR]

I had a memorial today for a 35 year old friend of mine who lost his battle with cancer a couple of weeks ago. When I woke this morning I thought today would be the capstone of 7 deaths (2 in my immediate family) that have transpired in the last 11 months. Then my wife got a call her grandfather passed this am.

Do the math. It's just amazing. I am getting close to impervious to it. Anyone had a ton of loss in a short period of time?

Here's to hoping this thead is short.

[Juana]

Sorry for your loss having faced Stage 3 cancer and lived thru it, its... well I'm happy I made it. It sucks having all that loss at once, but in the end it was their time and you have those memories. Hold on to them because really all we have are those memories, good or bad.

[Artemis]

[Larry B.]

:grouphug:

Within a relatively short period of time there were 3 deaths that had a profound impact on me. I had to seek psychological help, because it was just way more than what I could handle. I wasn't sad because they were gone, not at all. But each death ignited deep questions about my life, about my childhood and about my future. So it was some sort of avalanche of questions and new certainties. Fortunately, my psychologist helped me guide many of this thoughts and feelings.

Without knowing you, I'd say that if you can make it through 7 deaths, you have one hell of a support. And I'd say that's god damn' beautiful.

[perkana]

Sorry for your loss SR. You and your family will be in my thoughts
And I hope that this death lapse ends soon

[SR]

Hey, thanks you guys. It really is a self centered thread, I know....and I don't mean to simply attract attention. It's just been sureal, like the business of loss has become a full time job.

Personally, I went through the same questions as LB, and my time was parsed between fairly self destructive behavior and normalcy....but I've landed broken but stronger in the broken parts. (Yeah, I jacked Ernie).

[guysmiley]

Sorry to hear man. I only recently had to deal with it. I lost my grandmother not even a year ago. I've kind of come away from it valuing life more, whether its my own or others. I'm learning to enjoy every little thing and not be so bummed out over stuff. Enjoy every sandwich like its your last. I'm sure the people you lost would tell you the same. Go out there and enjoy shit while you can! Be thankful you got to know those people while they were here.

[Jasper]

Not big on death. Never have been. I've got something of a score to settle with death, so I want to be as clear-headed as possible when I go, so that I can look straight into that void and tell it to fuck itself to kingdom come.

[Matz]

in Three Days Perry says on stage that he believes it is an extreme privilege to live but an even greater one to die. Hopefully he's right, would be nice

[SR]

Not big on death. Never have been. I've got something of a score to settle with death, so I want to be as clear-headed as possible when I go, so that I can look straight into that void and tell it to fuck itself to kingdom come.

Nice. Death be not proud....and FU

For death, it's a murder suicide thing for Donne

[SR]

in Three Days Perry says on stage that he believes it is an extreme privilege to live but an even greater one to die. Hopefully he's right, would be nice

Like to think so....

[Hokahey]

in Three Days Perry says on stage that he believes it is an extreme privilege to live but an even greater one to die. Hopefully he's right, would be nice

Ho ka hey

[mockbee]

My thoughts are with you SR. I have been lucky in that I have only experienced the 'natural' cycle of death with all grandparents passed on and some aunts and uncles, too soon, but not any immediate family members or close friends. I cannot say that I would know what it would be like to lose someone extremely close. Sometimes in the past it would terrify me, the thought of something happening to my wife, I would be paralyzed if something like that happened.

But then I think back to Neale Donald Walsch and his words in Conversations with God (not 'religious', more spiritual)

When the pain is "ours," not just "yours," when the joy is "ours," not just "mine," when the whole life experience is Ours, then it is at last truly that - a Whole Life experience.

You are using all of Life-all of many lives- to be and decide Who You Really Are; to choose and to create Who You Really Are; to experience and to fulfill your current idea about yourself.

Embrace the Process, and move through it with peace and wisdom and joy. Use the Process, and transform it from something you endure to something you engage as a tool in the creation of the most significant experience of All Time: the fulfillment of your Divine Self.

[perkana]

Also, death makes you be at peace with everyone. My grandad (on my dad's side), wasn't that great and when he got dementia, he became like a little kid. So we did whatever we could to make him feel comfortable. I never got to say goodbye to him. Unlike my maternal grandad, he was surrounded by his family and he loved so much my granmother that he avoided dying infront of her. He died so peacefully. I don't believe in heaven or hell, but when he died he was calling for his mom. I only hope that when my time comes, to die like that, surrounded by my loved ones and at peace.

[Essence_Smith]

My thoughts and sympathy are with you SR, hope you come to terms in a way that brings you a peaceful outlook...

I lost my mother when I was very young and that tends to frame how you look at death for the rest of your life. I had to deal with the concept very early, but thanks to coming up in a very loving household I got more than enough support, etc and was eventually able to accept it as it is, inevitable and part of the way of things. That being said its been 30 years and I still miss my mother despite never getting to know her well...so time doesn't "heal" all wounds but it makes it easier to bear...be well!

[Romeo]

:cona: SR so sorry!

Same as ES, because my Parents had me later in life I started attending funerals at age 6. Because all my relatives were older and started dying off. So one Grandpa died when I was age 6, one at age 9 (one Grandma was dead before I was born and my other one died when I was 23). I lost both my Parents when I was in my late 20's (9 months apart) and my sister in 2003. And I had a Nephew murdered in 1994.

So....now I'm so used to death I'm like a professional mourner. I'm a pro at wakes, graveside burials...you name it....

[perkana]

I hope not as pro as one of my aunts, she thinks wakes are social gatherings. She once confessed that she carries black clothing in her car. Just in case...

[Romeo]

ok, I'm not THAT bad though black is the main color of my wardrobe so I guess I am prepared

one of the last wakes I went to a year ago was for a sort of family member. Family member by marriage. ANYHOO the day of the all day wake (the 2-4 then 7-9 day) we decided to all pack flasks and me, my 2 nieces and 3 nephews kept going into the coat room to pass the flasks. My nieces & nephews range in age from 43 to 36 but we were all giggling like we were a bunch of kids sneaking booze from our Parents. And if anyone would of appreciated what we were doing would of been the guy who was dead.
Cause if he wasn't dead he would of been the coat room right along with us!

[perkana]

I know what you mean, that's what I find so fascinating about wakes. I see them as an opportunity to see relatives or friends I haven't seen in a long while (just like weddings). But seriously, my aunt is really At my uncle's wake, she confessed us that she checks the obituaries and then if she knows the person, she calls her friends and asks them to meet her at the wake. As a result, our jaws dropped at that. It was funny though

[esqfool]

My dad and last living grandparent, (his father, my estranged grandfather) died in the past year. My dad was a long slow death (almost 4 years) from Stage 4 liver cancer. He was only 55 but went out on his own terms for the most part. Died at home in our living room, bought himself a Harley, then a Corvette when he was too sick to ride. There'd been so many times I'd hear "he's exhausted all forms of chemo" for one to work and give him another 6-9 months that it was like he was in bonus time for me. I was more upset before he died than when he did because of all the close calls. I guess I still haven't recovered due to the fact my life the past 7 years consisted of graduate college, not work for almost a year, find a job that turns out to be a nightmare, grandma dies, get fired due to the fact they hire in people over their heads to get them to either work for cheap or just toss em out like me. After that I worked temp work off and on for another year, finally get the job I'm at today which also turns out to be lousy, but the day before I get the job, I found out my dad has Stage 4 liver cancer. So yeah, basically I've been living in a state of delayed gratification since age 25 and I'm now 31. Rather beaten down and numb to everything is how I'd describe myself.

My grandfather was a weird person. He didn't even know who I was at my dad's funeral because he'd never bothered to care for the past 20 years even though we lived like 10 miles apart. One time I saw him driving and he didn't even know who I was yet looked me right in the face. So I have a very warped sense of "family" per se. I view friends and others are more of my family than actual family members. I didn't even cry at his funeral or get upset. I just viewed it as another person passing on.

[clickie]

I know what you mean, that's what I find so fascinating about wakes. I see them as an opportunity to see relatives or friends I haven't seen in a long while (just like weddings). But seriously, my aunt is really At my uncle's wake, she confessed us that she checks the obituaries and then if she knows the person, she calls her friends and asks them to meet her at the wake. As a result, our jaws dropped at that. It was funny though

you better be careful around that Aunt ....she might poison your drink just so she can fulfill that deep, sinking feeling of unhappiness type rush she gets from attending these wakes...

[Essence_Smith]

Wakes ARE social gatherings...its designed for the living to come to terms, band together to deal, etc...and there's usually food...I am totally one of those people who wants my family and friends to throw a party...remember me in good spirits dammit...

[SR]

Wakes ARE social gatherings...its designed for the living to come to terms, band together to deal, etc...and there's usually food...I am totally one of those people who wants my family and friends to throw a party...remember me in good spirits dammit...

This was the case last Sunday. It pissed me off. It's cavalier and presumptuous.....classic overreaching. I don't want the departed to mandate how I react to their leaving. In actuality, they're all the same....many laughs and many tears

[perkana]

They sure are...I remember when my paternal grandmother died. She hated receiving people at her house. She just liked going to other people's houses, and what did we do? we got together at her place, had a great time telling stories about her, telling jokes, it was so great to do this with all the family. We all kept thinking how she must have been rolling inside her grave.

[mockbee]

My dad and last living grandparent, (his father, my estranged grandfather) died in the past year. My dad was a long slow death (almost 4 years) from Stage 4 liver cancer. He was only 55 but went out on his own terms for the most part. Died at home in our living room, bought himself a Harley, then a Corvette when he was too sick to ride. There'd been so many times I'd hear "he's exhausted all forms of chemo" for one to work and give him another 6-9 months that it was like he was in bonus time for me. I was more upset before he died than when he did because of all the close calls. I guess I still haven't recovered due to the fact my life the past 7 years consisted of graduate college, not work for almost a year, find a job that turns out to be a nightmare, grandma dies, get fired due to the fact they hire in people over their heads to get them to either work for cheap or just toss em out like me. After that I worked temp work off and on for another year, finally get the job I'm at today which also turns out to be lousy, but the day before I get the job, I found out my dad has Stage 4 liver cancer. So yeah, basically I've been living in a state of delayed gratification since age 25 and I'm now 31. Rather beaten down and numb to everything is how I'd describe myself.

My grandfather was a weird person. He didn't even know who I was at my dad's funeral because he'd never bothered to care for the past 20 years even though we lived like 10 miles apart. One time I saw him driving and he didn't even know who I was yet looked me right in the face. So I have a very warped sense of "family" per se. I view friends and others are more of my family than actual family members. I didn't even cry at his funeral or get upset. I just viewed it as another person passing on.

That's tough stuff esqfool. I can relate with the job stuff, especially in the twenties period. I would say from personal experience to figure out what you love to do, or if you already know, great! And then make an incremental plan on how to bring to fruition that being your work. It might take a while and there are definitely times to take leaps of faith and it will probably not turn out exactly as envisioned; but it can be very good nonetheless. Don't give up and good luck! There is pleeeenty of life left.