A poignant article

[Bandit72]

Top 5 regrets in life for those about to die.

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me
This was the most common regret of all. When people realize that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people have had not honored even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.

It is very important to try and honor at least some of your dreams along the way.

From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realize, until they no longer have it.

2. I wish I didn’t work so hard - This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship.

Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.
By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings - Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.

As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming.

We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends - Often they would not truly realize the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.

It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier
This is a surprisingly common one.

Many did not realize until the end that happiness is a choice.

They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.
When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.

Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.

http://addicted2success.com/success-adv ... ut-to-die/

[Bandit72]

Kind of leads me to post this great documentary made by Terry Pratchett.

http://vimeo.com/25239708

I can't remember if this subject of assisted suicide has been talked about before on here, but the documentary is excellent and moving in places. I think it's too much of a taboo subject and I just wish laws would accomodate this in more than just three countries in Europe and the state of Oregon.

I'm sorry if some see this as a depressing subject, I apologise. I just think it's important, especially in such cases shown in the film. My father in law has early onset Alzheimer's and the number of people who will develop this will increase each year.

[Juana]

I agree with Happiness Is A Choice, as that is like everything else.

[Larry B.]

Pretty sad...

Regarding the regret of not being in touch with friends, perhaps this is a good thread to ramble a little about something.

I've always thought people in general are not to be trusted. Since I was like... 12 years old. Even today, when I'm 27, the only person I feel like I can trust is myself. I have had 2 serious relationships and with those women I have had complete trust. In my other, 'less serious' relationships, I haven't really trusted in my partner.

That said, I don't have (and never have had) a 'best friend'. No idea what that feels like. You know, to have someone with whom you can share your problems and stuff. I had my girlfriends to do that with. Those 2 girlfriends were also my best friends during that time.

One time, like 7 years ago, I realized that I was more trusty of women, so I tried to have a friendship with a woman... there were several attempts, with different women... to no avail. I swear to you that 100% of the time, she wanted more than that. So, that was a failed experiment.

Every now and then, I think "shit... maybe if I did more 'human' stuff (drinking/getting drunk, smoking, watching TV, doing drugs, talking about problems with anyone, hating my job, having sex with hookers, etc.), I could hang out with more people or something" (i.e., a pinch of a regret)... but I immediately think that if I did more 'human' stuff, I would feel weak and low. Undeserving, probably. Of what? Not completely sure. 'Ignorance is bliss', some might say... but it goes doesn't go well with me.

Last weekend I hung out with a few old acquaintances, and it was nice... no drinking, no drugs, we laughed at stupid shit...

At the end of the day, I think it's one thing for another. I am truly amazed at the type of knowledge I have obtained in my life, and I don't think I could have it without those decisions I made.

However, a part of me still wishes people wouldn't have to be so selfish, greedy and weak overall. IMO, this world would be a much better place.

[SR]

Well, I for one appreciate the thread. I've lost 4 people, 3 close, and 3 well before their time in the last 5 months.

One of them has rocked me beyond words can adequately describe and has forever altered me.....for better or worse is yet to be known.

I hear PF wailing "FIGHT" x 8 in 1%......

[lollapaloser]

Good read, thanks.

[Larry B.]

[Matz]

However, a part of me still wishes people wouldn't have to be so selfish, greedy and weak overall. IMO, this world would be a much better place.

amen to that. A big part of me wishes that. If you're a person who cares about integrity, being empathetic, learning from mistakes, do the right thing, or try to at least etc, it can be a terribly frustrating thing to deal with other people cause there are so many hypocrits, liars, selfish, stupid people outthere. It's pretty sad really

[Larry B.]

However, a part of me still wishes people wouldn't have to be so selfish, greedy and weak overall. IMO, this world would be a much better place.

amen to that. A big part of me wishes that. If you're a person who cares about integrity, being empathetic, learning from mistakes, do the right thing, or try to at least etc, it can be a terribly frustrating thing to deal with other people cause there are so many hypocrits, liars, selfish, stupid people outthere. It's pretty sad really

Yup... I deeply care about all of those things, and the worst moments of my life (i.e., wanting to jump in front of a train) have had to do with my frustration arising from having to deal with human beings and their stupid shit.

[Bandit72]

SR, I know you've had some terrible losses of late and I thought I may have been a bit insensitive talking about death.

If people do get a chance, then watch that documentary. It basically tells the story of Terry Pratchett who has got early Alzheimer's and he speaks to two men who go to Dignitas in Switzerland to end their pain. I'm guessing I would be like them in the way that if I was of sound mind but in SO much physical pain then I would like a choice. Terry's dilemma is that one day he won't be of sound mind so that makes it a whole new board game.

[Artemis]

Great artcicle and doc - thanks for posting, Bandit.

Lately I have been feeling the passage of time. When i reflect on my life thus far, I see that I have wasted a great deal of time. I know I can't change that now, but I can make the effort to not squander the future time I have remaining. It's too easy to get caught up in the routine and mundane and comfort zone.

The part of the article that mentiones not expressing yourself is me. I have tolerated and kept in a lot over the years just to keep the peace. I do not like confrontation so I tend to concede just to avoid trouble.

[SR]

SR, I know you've had some terrible losses of late and I thought I may have been a bit insensitive talking about death.

If people do get a chance, then watch that documentary. It basically tells the story of Terry Pratchett who has got early Alzheimer's and he speaks to two men who go to Dignitas in Switzerland to end their pain. I'm guessing I would be like them in the way that if I was of sound mind but in SO much physical pain then I would like a choice. Terry's dilemma is that one day he won't be of sound mind so that makes it a whole new board game.

Sorry to hear of the early onset.....from what I understand that ppresents it's own unique obsticles.

[ant]

Thanks for sharing this Bandit. I just turned 40 this year and it's got me thinking a lot about what I've done so far with my life and what else I'd like to accomplish. I actually felt pretty good about where I am on most of those points but I definitely could do a better job of nurturing my friendships. I've lost touch with a lot of people over the years. Some that were real true friends in times both good and bad.

I actually feel really lucky that in my late 20s I figured out that happiness truly is a choice. Your choices in life are really all you have. Own them and learn from the bad ones. Sometimes you have to choose when all options are shitty but you still have a choice.

[Larry B.]

Just saw the documentary... pretty informative and it got me to read some stuff.

For some reason, I feel like this is probably the most beautiful thread I've ever read in this community. And believe me, competing with 'deep thoughts by Etty' isn't an easy task...

[chaos]

Kind of leads me to post this great documentary made by Terry Pratchett.

http://vimeo.com/25239708

I can't remember if this subject of assisted suicide has been talked about before on here, but the documentary is excellent and moving in places. I think it's too much of a taboo subject and I just wish laws would accomodate this in more than just three countries in Europe and the state of Oregon.

I'm sorry if some see this as a depressing subject, I apologise. I just think it's important, especially in such cases shown in the film. My father in law has early onset Alzheimer's and the number of people who will develop this will increase each year.

Frontline did a show that focused on a man from the United States diagnosed with ALS who travelled to Switzerland to be assisted. It is heartbreaking.

http://video.pbs.org/video/1430431984/

[Bandit72]

This ridiculously outdated law needs to be addressed now. You can't even get married yet in this country if you are gay. What's wrong with people?

http://www.guardian.co.uk/society/2012/ ... NTCMP=SRCH

Two severely disabled victims of locked-in syndrome have protested angrily that judges are leaving them to undignified and increasingly distressing lives after they lost a landmark high court battle to be allowed to die with medical help.

Tony Nicklinson, 58, who had sought to end his "dull, miserable, demeaning, undignified and intolerable" life after he was left paralysed below the neck following a stroke seven years ago, wept uncontrollably after the judgment and said it meant his anguish would continue.

"The politicians seem to find the whole thing too difficult to tackle"

Yet they'll quite happily go to war for 10 years + in a bid to crack the "war on terror" (aka "Who buried our oil in their sand?")

Arseholes.

[perkana]

Just read this post...none of my closest friends have died, but this reminded me of my uncle and one of my dad's friend. Out of the blue they would contact their old friends. Even if it was kinda late, I know most of them were glad to share their last moments (for my uncle it was too late, since his cancer was fulminant, but he did really change. He really was happy the last months of his life, sounded always upbeat to me and was really nice to everyone, even though he knew that he was dying)

[Hokahey]

Since battling severe depression and anxiety in my teenage years I strived to attain a certain level of inner peace that has served me well over the years. Never perfectly of course, but I tend to think I'm more content with my life than most people I know. Even when things go horribly wrong, I can usually wake up the next day, smile and keep going. All of that said, I've seen this list before and find some aspects of it a bit off:

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me
This was the most common regret of all. When people realize that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people have had not honored even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.

It is very important to try and honor at least some of your dreams along the way.

From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realize, until they no longer have it.

Sure, but you also see the guy living in his mom's basement at 40 still thinking his band is about to make it big. It's healthy to give up on some dreams. Not that this is saying differently, but it's such a cliche sometimes that people use to justify not gorwing up.

2. I wish I didn’t work so hard - This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship.

Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.
By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.

I agree, but again there's a balance there, and again this is an old cliche used in every movie where the hard working dad realizes he's missed his son's soccer game and spends the movie becoming a better dad. How many times have we seen this? I find it irritating that someone doesn't tell little Timmy he can't afford new soccer cleats without dad's over time.

Often times it requires an entire family to accept a far more modest lifestyle in order for Dad to work less. I enjoy working as hard as I do so the people I love don't have to do as much. I enjoy the sacrifice. It's a gift to them.

And in today's economic environment, sometimes you have to put in the extra hours if you want to remain employed.

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings - Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.

As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming.

We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.

Or you hurt someone you love with your honesty, or are potentially forced to deal with painful rejection.

Some things are better left unsaid.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends - Often they would not truly realize the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.

It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.

I've done my all to maintain certain friendships over the years, but some people just don't care or are failing so miserably at life because they're still pursuing their dreams that it's hard to want to sit in their mom's basement with them and talk about what you did in highschool and how they're still doing it.

I find that I'm happier by maintaining friendships with people that actively pursue it on the same level I do and are in the same spot in life.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier
This is a surprisingly common one.

Many did not realize until the end that happiness is a choice.

They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.
When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.

I agree with this whole heartedly. Most people refuse to just be happy. They always find some reason not to be.

I live in a very happy little world that no one can shake me out of without a good deal of effort and never for very long.

Not trying to piss on the parade here or sound overly cynical. I've just seen these same cliche'd sentiments repeated in this exact post or others so many times in so many different mediums and I don't think they accurately represent a path to no regret per se.

But maybe I'll feel differently on my death bed. For now though, my only regrets are shots I did take.

[Hype]

There's no such thing as 'realizing that happiness is a choice'... that seems incoherent to me. Some people come to see that they can be happy in ways that they didn't see before, and others don't, but there are always reasons in either case that explain why they were or were not able to see this... telling people they can be happy if only they choose to seems absurd to me -- a kind of psychological torture for many people.

[SR]

[SR]

It's simply choosing to be seen as happy, which of course will lead to additional unhappiness.

[Hype]

It's simply choosing to be seen as happy, which of course will lead to additional unhappiness.

Indeed. Though I wouldn't want my pessimism/skepticism/cynicism (whichever it is) to cause someone who really believes they've chosen to be happy to go from really actually feeling happy to not feeling happy anymore (in spite of the fact that that would be evidence that it wasn't real happiness to begin with)... that would be bad.

But I think we would be better off trying to understand ourselves instead of waving hands over important things while chanting "choice".

[Hokahey]

There's no such thing as 'realizing that happiness is a choice'... that seems incoherent to me. Some people come to see that they can be happy in ways that they didn't see before, and others don't, but there are always reasons in either case that explain why they were or were not able to see this... telling people they can be happy if only they choose to seems absurd to me -- a kind of psychological torture for many people.

I see it as a choice in that you either choose to pursue a means to happiness or you don't. I do understand what you're saying, but for me it's a very conscious choice I make. I could tell you things that would make you hair stand up about the challenges I've faced, but I refuse to dwell. I decided I like me, and I won't let me agonize over any of it.

As Perry once said - In life keep the child's eye. I've always liked that. I see the world as a place of wonder and adventure. It allows my son and I to connect on that level. Just a couple of kids enjoying life. And I refuse to let that be disrupted for either of us. I hope he grows with that same mentality and never lets it go despite the ills and evils of the world and the inevitable heatrbreak.

[Hype]

There's no such thing as 'realizing that happiness is a choice'... that seems incoherent to me. Some people come to see that they can be happy in ways that they didn't see before, and others don't, but there are always reasons in either case that explain why they were or were not able to see this... telling people they can be happy if only they choose to seems absurd to me -- a kind of psychological torture for many people.

I see it as a choice in that you either choose to pursue a means to happiness or you don't. I do understand what you're saying, but for me it's a very conscious choice I make. I could tell you things that would make you hair stand up about the challenges I've faced, but I refuse to dwell. I decided I like me, and I won't let me agonize over any of it.

As Perry once said - In life keep the child's eye. I've always liked that. I see the world as a place of wonder and adventure. It allows my son and I to connect on that level. Just a couple of kids enjoying life. And I refuse to let that be disrupted for either of us. I hope he grows with that same mentality and never lets it go despite the ills and evils of the world and the inevitable heatrbreak.

As I say above, I wouldn't want what I say to mean you can't really be happy if you think you've chosen to be happy... I think what I'd say in your case is that you've gotten to a place where you can finally see how to be happy. You call that a 'choice', and I'm okay with that, so long as you don't call it *just* a choice... which would imply that any person in exactly your situation, no matter how different in personality or history from you, could *just* choose to be happy the way you have... this seems to miss something important: your ability to choose to be happy came about as a result of many things being the case or changing, or whatever. And not everyone is so lucky.

[Hokahey]

There's no such thing as 'realizing that happiness is a choice'... that seems incoherent to me. Some people come to see that they can be happy in ways that they didn't see before, and others don't, but there are always reasons in either case that explain why they were or were not able to see this... telling people they can be happy if only they choose to seems absurd to me -- a kind of psychological torture for many people.

I see it as a choice in that you either choose to pursue a means to happiness or you don't. I do understand what you're saying, but for me it's a very conscious choice I make. I could tell you things that would make you hair stand up about the challenges I've faced, but I refuse to dwell. I decided I like me, and I won't let me agonize over any of it.

As Perry once said - In life keep the child's eye. I've always liked that. I see the world as a place of wonder and adventure. It allows my son and I to connect on that level. Just a couple of kids enjoying life. And I refuse to let that be disrupted for either of us. I hope he grows with that same mentality and never lets it go despite the ills and evils of the world and the inevitable heatrbreak.

As I say above, I wouldn't want what I say to mean you can't really be happy if you think you've chosen to be happy... I think what I'd say in your case is that you've gotten to a place where you can finally see how to be happy. You call that a 'choice', and I'm okay with that, so long as you don't call it *just* a choice... which would imply that any person in exactly your situation, no matter how different in personality or history from you, could *just* choose to be happy the way you have... this seems to miss something important: your ability to choose to be happy came about as a result of many things being the case or changing, or whatever. And not everyone is so lucky.

I agree.